


Before I Send You Away: The Truth

by summerxblessings



Category: Infinite (Band), K-pop
Genre: AU, Angst, Coming of Age, Depression, F/M, Features a little glimpse into the difficulties LGBTQ+ youth face, First Love, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Romance, Unrequited Love, slice-of-life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-05 17:27:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,343
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17329316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerxblessings/pseuds/summerxblessings
Summary: {AU} In the summer before university begins and their lives are pulled in opposite directions, the two best friends come to terms with what that entails and how nothing will be the same anymore.





	1. to beginnings.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for dropping by!
> 
> This is a short-story that will most likely be no more than 6 chapters long.
> 
> This story is also posted on AFF and Wattpad under the same username and title.

__

_Dear Kim Myungsoo,_

_Okay so please ignore the cringe because you know, I’m writing a letter and that’s probably the only acceptable salutation for opening a letter. I just feel so weirded out by this, but I thought this was necessary. I’ve never written you a birthday card even though you’ve wrote me so many cards over the years and I guess this is the first time I decided that maybe I should do this for you too because it would only be fair (and it’ll probably be the last because this is making me cringe so hard). But I just wanted to first let you know just how much I appreciate you. I can’t believe I just wrote that… but yes, Kim Myungsoo, you are probably the best presence that has ever graced my life. After me though._

  * If Kim Myungsoo had to tell you what the first memory was that he could recall from his childhood, it wouldn’t be of his mother that he loved dearly or father, who had long left the two of them.



It would be of Lee Sungyeol, who had been grumpy and lonely too, sitting in the corner opposite of him in the classroom, also refusing to go out and play with the other children during recess. Instead, the two of them sat looking out the window, hearing the incessant chattering of their classmates happily playing among each other.

They accidentally made eye contact with each other, both boys quickly looking away immediately.

Myungsoo pouted a little at that, wondering if the other boy was lonely too and didn’t like the other people.

He had piqued Myungsoo’s interest because it had always been Myungsoo and Myungsoo alone who did not play well with the others. But it seemed like the new student who towered over everybody in the class also had no one to play with either nor did he want to.

“What are we going to do with the two of you,” their teacher, Ms. Moon sighed heavily, looking back and forth between the two children. “Now there’s more than one who doesn’t want to play with the others.” She was more speaking to herself than to the two children in the room. Knowing that she couldn’t do much to force Myungsoo to play with the others and it was not what she wanted to do anyway, she left the room to quickly find snacks for the children.

At least, she reasoned, Myungsoo had never rejected snacks before. And he always seemed to be a little bit happier after the fact. He also didn’t mind playing with her occasionally too when she tried to coax him to play a little and enjoy himself.

She had already contacted his mother a few times already and to no avail, Myungsoo still didn’t want to play with the others. She wasn’t sure what exactly was the reasoning behind so, but she also realized later that on his registration form there was no contact information or name listed for the second parent. Ms. Moon knew how cruel children could be sometimes and she knew how stressed Ms. Kim must already be from managing on her own, so Ms. Moon took matters in her own hand and stopped notifying Ms. Kim that her son didn’t like playing with the others.

When she returned, she came with a small platter of fruits and carrots. She coaxed both boys to sit together at the same table and to share the platter.

It was awkward with neither of the kids looking at each other, though she did see Myungsoo peer curiously over at the other boy once in a while. Sungyeol did the same, though to a lesser extent. She couldn’t help but find it cute.

The next day, after leading all the other children out into the field to play under supervision of the teacher in the classroom next door again, she returned to her classroom. The other teacher had shaken her head, telling her that she should just make the children come out and play. After all, they were just giving her more work to do.

Ms. Moon didn’t believe in making kids do what they didn’t want to, so she just smiled politely and made a beeline for the school’s back entrance, ready to climb the stairs back to the floor where her classroom was situated. But not before she found some snacks for the children.

When she arrived back at her classroom, waiting at the doorway was the teacher in the classroom across of hers, watching over the two children for her. The different grades didn’t take recess at the same time. He taught the year above her students.

Thanking him with a small smile for once again supervising the children for her, he gave a knowing grin back before going back to his class who was currently doing independent work.

Upon glancing into the classroom, she found the two of them already seated together at the same table and not in the respective corners that they had been in just yesterday at the start of recess.

She grinned a little to herself, announcing to them that she had found snacks for the two of them. Both little boys nodded a little at her and she couldn’t help but let the smile on her face widen. As she placed the bowl of treats in front of the two, she couldn’t help but smile as they sat together peacefully and ate, obviously not minding the other’s presence.

She decided to read a story to the two of them as they snacked, asking them what they preferred as she scavenged through the classroom library.

Both boys agreed on _The Girl who asked the Stars_.

She narrated the story of a young girl who was searching for a dream because unlike those her age, she didn’t know what she dreamed to become. Her teacher told her that she should go ask the stars who knew the best. Packing her bags even though her parents didn’t want her to, she embarked on a journey to find her dream. She travelled through deserts, dark forests, and even became friends with a dragon she met along the way, who also lived life without a dream. Together with her dragon friend, they travelled through twisting alleyways in big cities, rowed across the ocean and finally found a way to climb the tallest mountain to ask the stars for help on finding a dream. The stars told them that they could not decide for them but could only guide them. The story ended with the dragon and the girl deciding to part ways to find and chase their dreams, promising to meet again.

Ms. Moon found it peculiar that both boys liked the story so much because they always requested for it to be read to them whenever she told them she wanted to read them a story during recess, even though there were funnier books in the collection that the classroom had. They were spellbound as she read the book out loud to them each time.

Neither ever complained when the other requested the book to be read to them.

Once, she even watched as they interacted, trying to decide who should get the last snack in the bowl, with both boys deciding that they could take turns each time there was only one snack left. Ms. Moon half-expected there to be an issue the next time there was only one snack left again, but she was proved wrong.

“Take it,” Sungyeol had pouted a little, obviously reluctant to give the last snack up but he had to, because as he had said, “a promise is a promise.”

Myungsoo obligingly took it, gobbling it up as fast as he could, not sure if the other child was going to change his mind or not—and evidently, not wanting to take the chance.

One day, towards the end of recess, the two began speaking with each other, chattering about the new kids’ movie that came out the other week. Ms. Moon could only smile as she watched the two toddlers slowly began to interact more. She didn’t realize just how well they got along because they didn’t talk much outside from recess where they sat together at the table, until one day she realized that for the first time, she didn’t need to go retrieve snacks for either child.

The bell rang for recess, earning cheers from all the children in the classroom as Ms. Moon dismissed the class. They chattered happily as they stood up from their seats and exited the classroom to change into their outdoor shoes.

She had gotten ready to stand at the doorway of the classroom to have a good view of the two students, and also the other students who had rushed out for recess.

“I want to go outside,” little Myungsoo told Sungyeol.

Sungyeol just nodded a little. A small smile making its way onto his face, “Me too.”

“Let’s go together,” Myungsoo then concluded, both children unaware that their homeroom teacher had overheard and was listening to each word they were saying to each other.

With a happy heart, tears dancing in her vision a little, she watched as the two toddlers head out towards the cubicles together in their own little bubble. She trailed behind the two of them, focusing on just the two as they changed into their outdoor shoes. Looking away to blink away the tears, she noticed Mr. Do exiting his classroom as usual. However, he stopped closing his own classroom door as he saw Sungyeol and Myungsoo help each other with their outdoor shoes.

To that, she got a proud nod from Mr. Do, the neighbouring teacher that always watched over the two toddlers when she had to lead her classroom outdoors. He had expected to be needed as usual, but he was pleasantly surprised to watch the two toddlers line up with the rest of their cohort. They were holding hands.

He wryly said, “They grow up fast sometimes.”

“They do indeed,” she mused, shooting him a big smile. “Thanks so much for all of your help.”

The teacher just nodded his head. He had, after all, wanted to help because he believed that children deserved the best from their teachers.

To this day, Ms. Moon wondered what became of those two toddlers who seemed to have a connection they shared with each other but not others.

The two children never stayed indoors from then on during recess. They always played with each other only at first, but they slowly began to join the others too.

 


	2. to you.

 

 

_You have been here by my side throughout my entire life. We became fast friends even though both of us weren’t good at it. And through it all, all I knew was that I was happy that you were here and that you didn’t care that I was older. Everyone else made fun of me because they thought I was stupid and failed the grade, so I had to stay back a year. You didn’t know and never asked. You only found out because I told you that I had been so sick I had to be hospitalized for almost a year, which was why I wasn’t able to move up a grade. No one else knows and still think I failed kindergarten. But I’ll let them think whatever they want. I wish you told me that you were seeing a psychologist and that you needed help and you were struggling. I wouldn’t have judged you at all because I love you. You are my best friend. And there’s no shame in needing help sometimes._

  * Kim Myungsoo never liked asking anyone for help.



So, he never shared any of his troubles with his best friend, Lee Sungyeol. He had always known that although he was his best friend, he was not his therapist. But perhaps in that way they were close but not close.

People had always said that the closest and dearest to you sometimes knew so little about the pieces of yourself that you were ashamed to expose to the world. Myungsoo had always found that rung true.

Myungsoo had always led a rather turbulent childhood. His mother had been unable to land a long-lasting job because of the stigma that came with being a single mother, but she had been able to land a decent job that paid well in the small town. However, that did not mean that they were widely accepted by everyone in town.

He remembered as a child that everyone who walked passed them in the town would point fingers and murmur among themselves. He also remembered that the other children also knew that he didn’t have a father because adults loved talking among themselves and children loved to listen in on their parents.

He had long been independent and didn’t want to worry his mother, so he didn’t tell her about the bullying at school (before he became friends with Sungyeol). He also didn’t tell her that sometimes he couldn’t sleep because he wondered how different things would have been if his father had been responsible and didn’t leave them behind.

He could not imagine how badly she would have felt if she found him in his bedroom, crying to himself in a corner, frustrated with himself and the world. And that was also why he didn’t want her to know at all. He had been fourteen years old at the time.

He had not moved from where he sat on the floor since he came home from school.

She had finished work early today and had come to pick him up. She had offered him her unchanging, warm smile that she always had for him and that had made his heart ache, feeling worse about scoring so badly on his most recent test.

His mother had high hopes for him to attend one of the prestigious universities in Korea, but no matter how hard Myungsoo tried, it was not his forte to study, nor was it his desire to study any of the subjects his mother had wanted him to do.

That was not all that was weighing on his mind. He didn’t know how to approach the other subject that had been plaguing him since he realized it to his mother.

His mother loved him yes, but he was not sure if it would be enough for her to overcome him telling her that his vision of a dream career was not what she envisioned or that he had come to realize that perhaps things weren’t quite the same with him as other people his age.

His heart felt heavy as he robotically entered the house after they arrived at home, his feet guiding him up the stairs and towards his room, not bothering to respond to this mom as she called out to him and asked him if he wanted a snack before dinner. She had just mused out loud to herself that he probably got into a fight with Sungyeol.

It was far from.

Sungyeol had noticed that something was off with Myungsoo today and had offered to come over to talk it out. He had declined, saying he wanted time to himself, but not without thanking his friend first. Sungyeol didn’t want to push, so he left it at that.

So, there he sat, for hours at end, not moving, and feeling tears silently make their way down his cheeks, only to be furiously rubbed away with his rough cotton uniform sleeves after a small delay each and every time a new set of tears began to escape him.

The sky changed from a light blue hue to an array of colours, then to a deep blue that almost looked black. The room was quiet and dark.

“Myungsoo?” her voice called out to him from downstairs. “It’s time for dinner!”

Myungsoo didn’t answer, not wanting her to know he was crying. He wiped his tears away. He felt ashamed and because he didn’t want her to worry.

But why…?

His tears wouldn’t stop as he sat there on the floor of his bedroom, back leaning against the wall.

The soft sound of footsteps padding up the stairs was heard. “Myungsoo?”

He couldn’t find himself to respond but almost in an automatic, practiced motion, he quietly and swiftly made his way to his bed without making the floorboards creak. He dug his face into his pillow to make it appear as though he was sleeping.

There was a quiet knock on the door, “Myungsoo?”

The door was unlocked. His mother quietly opened the door, peering in. A stream of light entered from the hallway through the crack between the doorway and the door.

Figuring that he was exhausted and was napping his exhaustion away, she closed the door once again, softly behind her.

His room plunged into darkness.

-

“Have you been alright?” Sungyeol asked as they filed into the cafeteria, “I’m only asking because you look like shit.” Then, as an afterthought, “No offense.”

Myungsoo just gave a small grimace, “I just haven’t been sleeping well I guess.” He didn’t provide any further explanation.

That was probably the understatement of the year. Not only had Myungsoo not been able to sleep properly, he also hadn’t been able to eat properly either. He had a complete loss in appetite ever since his revelation and he wasn’t sure what was going to restore it back to normal at all.

“Maybe you should go home or go to the infirmary. You really don’t look well,” Sungyeol said, feeling his forehead. Myungsoo felt his heart get caught in his throat from that action.

“Just leave me alone,” Myungsoo bitterly muttered, shoving his friend’s hand away from his forehead. “Don’t touch me.” After seeing the hurt look on his friend’s face, he added a hesitant, “Please.”

Sungyeol just nodded, backing a little away. “Alright…” he trailed off. “But let me know if you need anything at all. I’ll be here.”

Myungsoo’s eyes stung a little from his tears. He really wanted to reach out for help, but he didn’t know how. And he also didn’t want his friend to think that he was looking for attention, like most people who were like him were treated.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Myungsoo finally said, looking away a little. He couldn’t meet his best friend’s eyes because he felt ashamed that he was keeping parts of him away from his best friend. “I think you are right. I should go home. I really don’t feel well.”

But sometimes it was  these vulnerabilities that really made you feel so small in front of the people you loved that you didn’t want to show them it at all, in case they really didn’t understand, even though they most likely would.

That was when the basketball team captain, three years their senior named Jungho, came out of nowhere and slung an arm around Myungsoo. “What’s up, losers?”

The two of them were on the basketball team. Myungsoo played good defense while Sungyeol was a very good offense player. They had decided when they entered high school that maybe they should try out for the basketball team for shits and giggles because the two of them liked shooting hoops at the little, dirty court near Sungyeol’s place. Little did they know that they would both land a spot on the team and not as benchwarmers either.

Getting no response from either boy (Myungsoo was shuffling his feet a little), especially Sungyeol, who looked very irritated for no reason, the basketball team captain just chuckled and punched Sungyeol lightly by the shoulders, “Oh come on, why are you looking so glum for?”

Sungyeol chose not to reply and gingerly plucked Jungho’s arm off Myungsoo’s shoulders, “Just lay off on it. Myungsoo hasn’t been feeling well recently and you’re just adding to his troubles.”

“Oh, come on,” Jungho sneered, rolling his eyes as he stepped away from Myungsoo and Sungyeol. “Are you telling me that you’re,” he pointed at Myungsoo, “going to skip practice just because you’re feeling a little sick? What a wuss.”

Sungyeol’s eyes flashed with anger while Myungsoo’s eyes were veiled so Sungyeol couldn’t exactly make out what his friend felt from that jab. Myungsoo had always been the quieter and he was just as sensitive as Sungyeol, so Sungyeol was sure that it stung.

“Take your bullshit and leave,” Sungyeol finally said, “I don’t have the patience to deal with this today or any other day for that matter.” The basketball team captain was obviously unhappy with the snarky, younger teammate.

“Whatever,” Jungho said, angered, his eyes promising pain. “I’ll push you harder during practice today. It’s disrespectful, the way you’re acting. You better watch yourself, Lee.”

Sungyeol just gave a small shrug of indifference, “Alright. Good to know you feel like you need to assert your dominance and bully your younger teammates when they don’t want to bend to your will.”

Jungho hissed in response, turning away from the two. Then, just as he disappeared from their sights, he shouted, “Myungsoo, stand up for yourself you sissy! No wonder people think the two of you are a gay couple!” Then he shouted down the corridor, “ _Gayyyy!_ ”

“What’s wrong with that douchebag?” Sungyeol muttered, “I think I’m going to quit the basketball team at this rate. He’s obviously not in his right mind if he thinks it’s insulting to be called gay.” He frowned, “So what if we were a gay couple anyway? Ugh.”

He looked over to Myungsoo, who looked like he had lost all the light in his life.

Sungyeol softened a little, wondering if Myungsoo had even heard his little tirade. Either way, he gathered his best friend into his arms and gave him a nice and tight hug for a long time. He then let his best friend out of his embrace, holding him at arm’s length.

“I think you really should head home and come back when you feel better. This isn’t like you Myungsoo,” Sungyeol said and decided to crack a little joke, “even though you barely talk anyway.”

At that, Myungsoo gave a small smile. A small grin made its way onto Sungyeol’s face as he patted his back softly, “And I really hope you don’t mind what that jerk says anyway. He’s clearly so infatuated with himself that he thinks he can get away with saying whatever he wants. He’s just so vulgar and just…” Sungyeol trailed off.

Myungsoo just nodded a little at that. Then he said, “I’m going to go home.”

In bleary movements, Myungsoo headed towards his locker, Sungyeol trailing behind silently with a worried expression. Myungsoo packed all of the belongings he needed for that day in moves that seemed as though he wasn’t there, which worried Sungyeol even more.

“I’ll text you what we get for homework for our other classes!” he called after him. There was no response and no indication that he had even heard him.

At that, he figured it wouldn’t hurt to intervene a little bit. He took out his cell phone a few minutes after he watched Myungsoo exit from the school’s front gates from his classroom window, sending a quick text to Ms. Kim to please watch his friend carefully because he was clearly suffering through something that he didn’t want to tell anyone.

-

Myungsoo was surprised when he arrived home and found that his mother was already there, waiting. From what he knew, she was supposed to be still at work. That was the only reason why he decided on going home. He wanted to be alone in his thoughts.

However, it seemed like Sungyeol didn’t think that was a good idea and contacted his mother. Myungsoo had to scowl a little at that, since it seemed like his best friend knew him like the back of his hand.

She looked a little worried and a little sad as she sat in the living room, watching him quietly as he took off his shoes and entered the house. He decided that it would be best to ignore her because he wasn’t in the mood to talk. He made towards the staircase.

“Kim Myungsoo.”

He stopped.

She walked over to him, her steps slow and cautious, as if she were approaching a wounded animal. “I wanted to let you deal with it yourself, but this has gone for far too long for it to just be a phase or fight or something small going on in your life and I’m afraid.” Her eyes sparkled with tears. “Sungyeol told me to talk to you because he said that you weren’t responding to anything and he was worried.”

Myungsoo grimaced, clenching his fists a little. He was sure that she would be crying more if he told her what was bothering him. No one wanted a son that was—he didn’t even want to complete that thought. And Sungyeol—his thoughts drifted back to him. He was such a nuisance but also a welcome one, though he wasn’t just going to admit it.

He did know him best.

He didn’t want to tell her because he was afraid to see her judging eyes. And if she weren’t judging, then the devastated look in her eyes that she had failed as a mother and that she now had a son that had a “defect” and—

He shut his eyes, willing himself to disappear. Alas, it did not work. He was still there, standing by the staircase as his mother watched him with a very cautious yet worried expression. He wanted to apologize to his mother, but he couldn’t find the words to even say it. But he knew that he owed her at least some words to explain why he had been like this these past few weeks.

“I need help,” he admitted, “I have been…” he trailed away, unable to completely the sentence as his voice caught in his throat. The tears began to streak down his cheeks uncontrollably. He didn’t need to finish the sentence because she’d been there too once in her life and she had recognized it, but she didn’t want to push him to tell her unless it was necessary.

His tears were enough to let her start to cry too.

“We will get through this together,” she said, wiping away her own tears as she wiped away her son’s. “I think we should find a good psychologist for you. To look at what’s going on. So, what if you need to see a psychologist? It’s not a shame if you need help.”

She knew how people looked down on those who needed mental health support. She was not one of them, admittedly only because she had been there at one point in her life and needed that support. But life was all about growing and she would be a fool to say that she had finished learning in her lifetime. She had since then learned to look at life and everyone with an open mind.

“It’s not just that, Mom,” Myungsoo admitted, shying away from her once more. He took a few steps back, not wanting to look at his mother in the eye. He looked to the floor tile that both of her feet touched.

“What else is there?” her gentle voice asked, sniffling. “You don’t need to be afraid to tell me.”

And then he told her.

A pin could have dropped in the house and they would have heard it. All that could be heard was the ragged breathing of Myungsoo’s and his mother’s quieter but also erratic breathing.

Then, she broke the silence.

“Have I failed as a mother and came off as judgemental?” Ms. Kim whispered, heartbroken.

“No,” Myungsoo whispered quietly and when he couldn’t hold himself together anymore, his sobs wracked his entire, wiry teenage frame. “I just didn’t want to be a disappointment.” She gathered him into her arms and they cried onto each other, clinging onto each other for support, sinking towards the floor together.

As far as blood relatives went, they only had each other.

She breathed in and then gave out a sigh of sadness. She chuckled a little, kissing the forehead of her one and only son, the pride of her world, the reason why her world still kept spinning through all of those harsh glares directed towards her for being a “shameful” single mother, _“Never.”_

-

When Myungsoo returned almost a week later, he looked like he was glowing, and the full colour of health returned to him. Sungyeol almost did a doubletake when he saw Myungsoo walk through the front gates that morning.

It was his ritual to always wait by the front gate for Myungsoo and he had done so faithfully for the past few school days since Myungsoo and Mrs. Kim had not been replying to any text messages, much to his frustration. Sungyeol figured that they wanted some time to themselves however annoyed he was, and he decided not to interrupt and ring their doorbell, in case he came off as an obsessive lover of some sort.

They ran towards each other as soon as they made eye contact.

“You’re back!” Sungyeol cried, grabbing Myungsoo by the waist as soon as they reached one another, swinging him up into the air.

“Stop that!” Myungsoo yelped, hitting Sungyeol by the shoulder lightly. “And what the heck! You’re acting like you haven’t seen me in forever!”

“I haven’t!” Sungyeol grinned, letting down his best friend and straightening out his own attire. Myungsoo did the same, running a hand through his hair signalling that he was flustered. “Why else do you think I’m acting like this?”

Before Myungsoo could respond, a very familiar antagonist drawled, “Well, if it isn’t Myungsoo.” The two of them turned to see Jungho, the basketball team captain.

“I’ve been missing our resident gay boy show with the biggest wuss on the team. What a sight, indeed,” he sneered a little and the bright look on Myungsoo’s face disappeared almost immediately. He looked pale and almost sick from the words that Jungho had uttered.

Sungyeol had enough just by taking one good look at his friend. He had endured the harsh training under the captain’s orders during the time Myungsoo was away, but he had enough of the captain just now by looking at how stressed Myungsoo was by his words.

“We’re quitting,” Sungyeol said, grabbing Myungsoo by the hand.

Jungho who somehow didn’t see that coming, was flabbergasted, “What do you mean by that?”

“I have personally had enough with your bigot ways,” was all Sungyeol said and he marched away, towing Myungsoo behind him. It wasn’t until they were a safe distance away that he allowed himself to look back and sigh in relief. “He’s not following us. Lord have mercy. I thought he was going to destroy us, and I’d never see the light of day again.”

Myungsoo chuckled at that, punching him lightly on the arm, “If you were afraid why did you even do that?” Then he added, “Though I’m glad you did that. I don’t really want to play basketball… or any sports for that matter anymore.”

Sungyeol’s eyes softened a little in understanding. “Well, you were looking uncomfortable and I never liked him to begin with. He always throws _gay_ around like it’s some sort of insult. It makes me unsettled. Plus! When we were kids you always told off anyone who called me stupid.”

“Kind of regretting it too,” Myungsoo teased. “You usually place in the bottom fifty at school.”

 _This_ was normal. Myungsoo being a little shit.

“Hey!” Sungyeol exclaimed, tousling his best friend’s hair, in which the response was a kick towards the shin that he pretended to have mortally injured him. He groaned and clutched at it, pretending to shout for help from the school’s disciplinary officer.

But then he became serious within a blink of an eye when the warning bell rang, something that was very uncharacteristic of Sungyeol. He clasped his best friend on the back, “You know that if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be here right?”

Myungsoo uncomfortably shifted on his spot, giving his best friend a small smile. “Yea, thanks.”

(Sungyeol knew he was hiding something but didn’t say anything to that. He didn’t pry. He just gave a rueful smile back and the two started towards their respective classrooms and continued with their day.)

-

Myungsoo had good days and bad days. The bad days were really bad, and the good days were okay if not average. The good days were when Myungsoo acted a little bit more like his middle school self and less like the Myungsoo that had fallen into a rut in their first year of high school.

Myungsoo cycled a lot between good and bad days, but both the good and bad days were what made being his friend worth it. Even on his bad days, Myungsoo was more attuned to others’ feelings than most people their age could say for themselves.

He had never told Sungyeol about being diagnosed with any mental health condition but Sungyeol knew because he had accidentally left the diagnosis sheet laying around on his bedroom desk in plain sight. But it made Sungyeol more aware and more understanding of Myungsoo’s moods.

Today, Sungyeol decided, was probably what counted as Myungsoo’s good day. Otherwise, he would have stalked away in a bad mood already and wouldn’t have entertained cloud watching with him.

“I’m hungry.”

“Good for you,” was Sungyeol’s dry response.

Myungsoo flopped over on the field’s grass to face his best friend, his tummy stabilizing his position on the grass. “That was a statement that did not ask for you to comment or answer anything.”

“Too bad,” Sungyeol could only reply while smirking a little as he continued with his task of counting the clouds as they rolled by. “I’m not hungry.”

“Oh come on!” Myungsoo whined as he rolled over so that his back was once again laying on the grass. “We’ve been here for ages already.” He kicked his feet a little bit, indignant at how long his friend was making him wait to eat.

“What’s the point of this anyway?” Myungsoo asked, receiving no reply from Sungyeol previously and feeling a little annoyed. When Myungsoo was hungry, he was also angry.

“Well,” Sungyeol said, “I used to be really impatient.”

At that, Myungsoo snorted a little. “You’re _still_ impatient.”

“Says you,” Sungyeol grinned a little and Myungsoo had nothing to say to that but glare. “But anyway, have you heard about people making wishes after counting a hundred airplanes?”

“Yea,” Myungsoo said, scratching his head a little as he watched the clouds float by above him.

“Well my parents used to make me count to a thousand clouds as a kid and they told me that any wish that you make after you count that many will come true. They were trying to train me to be patient,” Sungyeol added, after seeing Myungsoo’s face by turning slightly to face the other boy. The look on Myungsoo’s face could only be described as the one that he usually saw right before he was about to say something insulting that was partially true.

Myungsoo seemed to have decided against his scathing remark because he instead decided to ask, “Well, what are you going to wish for?” He wasn’t going to make fun of his friend for his childish belief because he had some too.

Sungyeol just chuckled, “No point in telling you. Wishes are supposed to be a secret!”

Myungsoo pouted a little at that, “Whatever, you’re no-fun Yeol today.”

Sungyeol grinned at that and continued with counting the clouds that rolled by lazily, tucking his hands underneath his head. He didn’t bother telling Myungsoo he didn’t quite believe in what his parents had told him, but he counted clouds anyway to make a wish for him. He hadn’t done it in quite some time.

They were fifteen then.

_I hope you find happiness._

 


	3. to memories.

_I still remember how we used to get into trouble all the time throughout middle school and even in high school, even though it was our intention to lay low for most of it anyway. I’m sure your mother is just about done with me and she’s glad we won’t cause trouble together anymore. Hey, remember that time when we tried to make our own homemade detergent, but we almost ended up destroying the entire science lab? And remember how your mother marched into the school and we were so sure we weren’t going to live to see the next morning? There’s just so many memories when I walk through the neighbourhoods and places we used to go together a lot… I don’t know how I’ll be able to walk by them from now on without thinking of you._

  * Kim Myungsoo had never been one to express his emotions properly. He often had to write down all his feelings and sentiments into a letter once every year for Sungyeol’s birthday. It was no different that year.



“You always give me a letter for my birthday,” Sungyeol chuckled in glee as he rubbed his hands together manically like a mad scientist that had just gotten his share of poisonous chemicals. Had Myungsoo not known better, he would have thought that Sungyeol needed to be locked up somewhere without a key, far from humanity. “And it serves as another piece of Myungsoo I keep as blackmail for when you attempt to humiliate me,” he announced rather joyously.

His parents as well as Myungsoo’s mother just smiled at his antics while Myungsoo rolled his eyes.

“Trust me, you do a great job of humiliating yourself most times,” Myungsoo grinned at his older friend, who only replied with a small huff.

Knowing that there was no way for him to rebut what Myungsoo had just said, Sungyeol just opted to ignore him.

“Anyway, I will read that when I have the time,” Sungyeol snootily said, pretending to not care about the letter and tucked it away behind his kitchen chair. If Sungyeol had to be honest, it was honestly the best thing he always got every single year, expensive gifts aside.

“Now, where’s my presents!” Sungyeol clapped his hands.

No one said anything.

“Oh, come on!” Sungyeol groaned. He looked over to Myungsoo who gazed on innocently, “Don’t tell me you told my parents about _that_.”

“What does that mean?” Mr. Lee immediately asked, looking alert and very much pissed—over the years, he had gotten very annoyed with Sungyeol’s trouble-making antics and Myungsoo’s willingness to be pulled along, so long as it harmed no one. Myungsoo shook his head subtly indicating that he never told his father and Sungyeol just nervously laughed, “Never mind, I was joking.”

Mr. Lee’s eyes narrowed in what seemed to be temporary belief, but it was immediately interrupted by Ms. Kim re-entering the room (when did she even leave anyway? Was what Sungyeol was thinking) and in her arms was a small golden retriever.

“What!” Sungyeol exclaimed, jumping out of his chair, “I got a puppy for my birthday this year?!” He almost slipped from shock at this point when Ms. Kim gently maneuvered the small dog into his arms. He cuddled the puppy in his arms protectively, cooing a little. “Is the puppy a boy or a girl?”

The little puppy barked, though it sounded a little bit more like a yawn to Sungyeol. He immediately cooed again, petting the puppy softly.

“It’s a girl,” Myungsoo supplied for his friend, “I was looking around with your parents and we decided that this one was very similar and high-maintenance like you.” Deciding to ignore the jab at his statement, Sungyeol cooed.

“I will name you…” he trailed off. Then a rather shit-eating grin was plastered onto his face, “Myung-Myung.”

At that, Myungsoo was ready to fight. He opened his mouth, ready to protest that his name was copyrighted and not to be abused.

But seeing the look on his mother’s face that told him to just stop his antics for today and the happy look on his best friend’s face was enough to stop him.

He just softly smiled, watching his best friend carry the puppy around, cradling her in the nook of his arms, calling her the light of his life.

Myungsoo mused that perhaps Sungyeol would never realize that to some extent, Sungyeol was the light of his life.

_And he would never tell him._

-

They had always liked to have midnight drives around town once Sungyeol got a license. This, of course, was done to the knowledge of their parents.

The two of them were troublemakers but they weren’t ones to want to incite the wrath of their parents. Most often of the times, they caused trouble without realizing it or meaning to, so the parents could only exasperatedly sigh at their antics.

Ms. Kim hadn’t been too worried when they first mentioned that they’d like to go out for a midnight drive, knowing that while they had their moments of sheer stupidity, they wouldn’t do anything that would endanger their lives. It was Mr. Lee that was the most difficult to persuade that they weren’t going to die just from having a late-night drive together.

“Make sure you drive within the speed limits,” Mr. Lee had told his son strictly. Mrs. Lee was not at home yet, since she was working over time, and it was up to Mr. Lee to make executive decisions on his own. “And make sure, for the love of God, you keep your stupid seatbelt on.”

Sungyeol rolled his eyes at that. “I’m not dumb, Dad.”

His father gave him a pointed look that said “do-you-want-me-to-go-and-find-the-school-ranking-sheet-I-have” and he shut up. Myungsoo chortled right beside him, earning a death glare from his best friend.

Mr. Lee just sighed, giving in to the puppy eyes his son and his best friend were giving him. There wasn’t much more to say. He knew that his son wouldn’t drink behind the wheel and he himself had seen how vigilant his son was behind the wheel.

“Just be back before 3 am,” was all he managed to utter before the two teenagers cheered, Sungyeol grabbing the keys to the car and blundered out together, laughing and cheering along the way. Myungsoo, of course, being the slightly clumsier of the two, almost tripped on air as he headed towards shotgun as if he were drunk.

Mr. Lee could only give an exasperated laugh as he watched Sungyeol carefully pull out of the driveway, concentration written on his face.

He glanced over to the staircase, where the young dog slept. Sungyeol had wanted to bring the dog with them on their first midnight drive, but the dog was far too exhausted from the events of the day. Sungyeol and Myungsoo had brought her to the dog park in the next town, about a thirty-minute drive away from where they lived.

Mr. Lee wondered if his son was going to continue calling the dog Myung-Myung. He sighed a little at that, wondering what was with his son and doing things that annoyed his best friend.

He was then pulled back to the present when his wife pulled into the driveway, a rather questioning look in her eyes, realizing that Mr. Lee’s car was not in the driveway.

His eyes watered a little. His only son was already taking care of his own pet and he was driving already. It wouldn’t be long before he would be possibly sending him off to university.

They sure grow up fast.

-

If Myungsoo had one word to describe Sungyeol, he would say _mess_. A complete, utter, chaotic _mess_ that obviously had no idea what he was doing.

They had learned about the effects of prolonged use of household cleaners recently in biology and it made them rather worried for their parents.

After deciding that it would be horrible for their parents to continue using the synthetic cleaners that were found on store shelves because of the implications for their health, they set out on making their own organic cleanser for their parents.

Of course, these rascals weren’t going to volunteer themselves to do anymore chores than they already did.

They had set off to find the chemistry teacher to tell her that they wanted to use her classroom to concoct a simple cleaner for their parents that were organic and wasn’t toxic. She was pleased with the idea but was a little reluctant to lend her classroom when it wasn’t in use to the two teenagers. After all, they were known for having some dumb and dumber moments among the teachers in the science department.

She couldn’t supervise them, as she had somewhere to run off to most days after classes.

However, after Myungsoo had reassured her that they totally had everything under control and even showed her a list of ingredients they were planning to use in their concocted organic cleaner recipe, she was reassured.

She mentioned it to the principal, who trusted her, and decided that it would be best that he patrolled the hallways after school in that section of the school that housed the chemistry room, in case the two idiots decided to do something outside of what they indicated.

Of course, the principal was not wrong.

“Hey Myungsoo, what would happen if we added the sodium hydroxide into the mixture that we have so far?” Sungyeol asked. “It’s usually used in household products for cleaning so maybe a drop of that won’t hurt.”

Myungsoo threw him a death glare after taking his eyes off the beaker that he was currently squeezing lemon juice into, the death glare penetrating through the plastic of the safety goggles he was wearing.

“Fine, whatever,” Sungyeol said, putting the beaker back down onto the counter at the back and pushing it out of sight. “Let’s just forget I suggested anything.”

“I will,” Myungsoo replied drily before Sungyeol just scoffed at his friend. “We’re supposed to follow the instructions on the paper that we came up with before. Ms. Lee approved of it so it’s sure to not cause any explosions or anything.”

Sungyeol just mimed him, deciding that he didn’t like that Myungsoo spoke so much reason that it made him look stupid. He muttered under his breath, “Whatever.”

And that was when Myungsoo decided that he needed to run to the washroom for a little bit.

“I’m going to run to the washroom,” he said, setting down his goggles and taking off his lab coat. “Can you keep everything together and make sure the soap that we’re melting doesn’t start burning?”

“Yea, yea,” Sungyeol grumbled.

Myungsoo left, but not before sending a wary glance in the direction of the classroom, wondering if he should perhaps just turn off the Bunsen burner and turn it back on when he came back. Thinking that Sungyeol had survived the easier lab exams during their time in high school that required operation of a Bunsen burner, he decided that it was perhaps not necessary.

He then left, not realizing that Sungyeol was much disgruntled that he hadn’t really paid attention to Myungsoo’s instructions to not touch anything and to watch the soap that was melting in the beaker on top of the burner.

He then rummaged through the chemicals that Ms. Lee stored at the side counter, happening upon a chemical that was purple in colour. It was a rather pretty colour.

He squinted his eyes, trying to make out what the label on the test tube said. He managed to make out food dye.

That, Sungyeol concluded on his own, was likely to do no damage to anything if he added it into the current concoction. If anything, it would make it a pretty colour rather than the current clear colour. Well, Sungyeol thought that it was a little boring if anything. A little colour would not hurt anyone.

At this point, the soap had melted entirely, and the beaker was being heated to uncomfortable temperatures that were not safe. However, Sungyeol was much immersed in his dilemma in whether to add the food dye into the concoction to notice. After all, the Bunsen burner had been placed on the complete opposite side of the room, close to the window that was open, letting fresh, cool air into the classroom.

Finally, Sungyeol decided that it was going to be safe to add the food colouring into the concoction and did so, just as he began to smell something burning.

Frazzled, he looked up to look for the source of the burning smell, when he realized that he was supposed to have been watching the soap. Almost immediately, he quickly placed the test tube back where he found it, rushing to the Bunsen burner. He turned it off, giving off a sigh of relief as he did so.

In his rush, he had accidentally also taken the sheet that Myungsoo had put all the instructions to their concoction on and placed it right on top of the burning surface of the Bunsen burner. Almost immediately, it caught on fire. As if on cue, a gust of wind blew into the room, fueling the fire.

That was exactly when Myungsoo walked in.

“What the hell!” he only managed to exclaim when Sungyeol yelped out in fear as the fire grew once again, spreading slightly on the countertop.

“Do something!” Sungyeol shrieked.

Myungsoo, as if he had practiced this his whole life, reached for the fire extinguisher that was right beside him, located by the door to the classroom.

“Close the damn window!” he shouted. “The wind is feeding the fire!”

“Oh!” Sungyeol managed to yell back in the frenzy, realizing that was probably the first thing he should have done but he was too confused be the sequence of events to even realize what had happened. He quickly shut the window and that was when Myungsoo finally released the pin from the fire extinguisher.

“Close your eyes!” he demanded and Sungyeol did so without a question.

He then found himself and the areas in which the fire had spread with covered with white, powdery residue.

“Thanks,” Sungyeol only managed to mutter. Myungsoo was about to say something in response to that, but they were both interrupted by a very disgruntled looking principal that seemed to materialize out of nowhere in the room.

“What is the meaning of this?” the principal thundered, surveying the damage and the person who had been coloured almost entirely white, who he could only deduce as being Sungyeol.

The two of them could only hang their heads in shame, Sungyeol hanging his a little lower in shame, as they said, “Sorry.”

Then the two teens lifted their heads slightly and shared a meaningful look with one another. They both gulped in sync.

Their parents were going to end them.

-

“Hey,” Myungsoo said, greeting him as he walked into his room. “Let’s go out for ice cream.”

Sungyeol had heard the doorbell but he didn’t bother going to get it, instead leaving his father to go and get it. He had been assigned more chores recently as his punishment for nearly burning the chemistry room down. When they had written the sorry letters to Ms. Lee, it had been revealed that the burning of the chemistry room counter was mostly because of Sungyeol who had not been paying attention to the Bunsen burner even though he was the one in charge of making sure the soap didn’t burn.

It didn’t help that he also was not wearing a lab coat or safety goggles when the principal had found them.

Sungyeol groaned, rolling around on his bed as he looked over to his best friend. “I got grounded for that stunt we pulled the other week, so I have no allowance.”

“I know that, loser,” Myungsoo smirked, “I’m paying.”

With that, Sungyeol perked up. “You are?”

“Of course,” he replied. “With interest of course. Best friend discount also applied.” A calculating grin appeared on his face, which Sungyeol did not appreciate.

Sulking, Sungyeol turned away from him. “Forget it. I’d rather not have anything and just have the company of the _better_ Myung-Myung.” As if on cue, the golden retriever entered his room, jumping elegantly into the empty place right beside him to cuddle.

“Aren’t you the cutest little thing,” he cooed at his dog as he petted her and showered her with praises. Myungsoo was a little disgruntled at that, “Hello I’m still here.”

“Yea, I know,” Sungyeol snootily replied.

“I was just joking,” Myungsoo rolled his eyes. “I would never sell my best friend short like that. Now let’s go get ice cream.”

“Yes!” Sungyeol exclaimed, dropping his sulky expression. “You’re the best, Kim Myungsoo!” he cheered a little as he got up from his bed, dragging Myung-Myung with him almost like a ragdoll.

“Did you hear that Myung-Myung? We’re getting ice cream!” then he turned to face Myungsoo, who was staring at the dog-human duo in amusement. “Well, get out of my room! I need to change!”

With that, Myungsoo was shoved out of the room with Myung-Myung. Crouching down to the dog and giving her a good rub and pat behind the neck, he wondered out loud, “Is your name really going to be Myung-Myung for the rest of your life?”

Sungyeol yelled yes from behind the closed door.

Myungsoo could only sigh in amusement as he spoke to the dog, “Now let’s go and find your leash so we can go and get ice cream. Though, I didn’t invite you but whatever, I like you more than your owner anyway.”

With that, Sungyeol shouted indignantly from his bedroom as he headed down the stairs with the dog.

Myungsoo just smirked.

-

Myungsoo had good days and bad days.

Sungyeol knew why but he didn’t tell Myungsoo that he knew.

But it didn’t mean that it was easy to deal with Myungsoo on his _really_ bad days.

The bad days were bearable, even though it sometimes made Sungyeol sad to know that his best friend didn’t want to tell him what was haunting him. Everyone had their demons, however, and he respected that barrier that Myungsoo had put up between himself and the world.

But he didn’t like it when he had no idea how to help Myungsoo and he had been unwilling to speak at all.

However, he was caught by surprise when a _really_ bad day surfaced.

That was in fact because they happened far and few in between as the years went by that Sungyeol sometimes wondered if he still visited the psychologist and whether the issues that Myungsoo had felt were resolved to an extent that he didn’t have those bad days often anymore.

He had, noticed, however, that there were more days than usual that Myungsoo would lose his temper during good-hearted teasing and that he always seemed to be looking over his shoulders. In fact, he had even seen Myungsoo talking with someone on the basketball team, which was rare. Ever since their first year in high school, they had stopped associating with the basketball team in general.

“Who was that?” Sungyeol had asked.

“No one,” Myungsoo replied, his voice indicating that he was not willing to talk anymore about the topic.

So, one day, when he ran over to his best friend’s classroom during a break in between classes, giddily ready to show him that he got almost perfect on the most recent math test, he was surprised to find that he was not sitting at his desk, waiting for him as per usual. Concerned almost immediately, he tapped the back of one of Myungsoo’s classmates.

“Did you see where Myungsoo went?”

The classmate shrugged a little, uninterested and went back to talk to his friends.

Annoyed, Sungyeol was about to ask someone else when someone interrupted him. He turned to look at the average-height female classmate of Myungsoo’s.

“I saw him just now after going to the vending machine,” she told him. “He ran into the washroom on this floor.” Then she embellished what she told him with, “I don’t think he was feeling very well.”

With that, Sungyeol thanked her, taking off towards the washroom. He didn’t bother with the teacher that yelled at him to stop running in the halls. He was too worried to even care about demerit points and getting into trouble.

Rounding the corner and ducking into the washroom, Sungyeol found it eerily quiet.

“Myungsoo?”

There was no reply.

Sungyeol walked into the washroom, checking the stalls and found that there was only one that was occupied. He walked up to it, knocking, “Myungsoo?”

There was no reply.

However, if he listened closely, he could hear someone trying to muffle their sobs. At that, Sungyeol decided that he was going to pick the lock to the bathroom stall, and deal with the consequences if it really wasn’t Myungsoo and if he were hearing things.

At the sound of the lock being picked, Myungsoo’s recognizable voice yelped out in a whisper-yell, “Leave me alone!” Sungyeol ignored him and continued to pick at the lock, managing to successfully do so and entered the stall.

Myungsoo was huddled on the toilet seat the cover on, his face streaked with tears. Immediately, Sungyeol was ready to search for blood. He did not miss the relieved look on Myungsoo’s face when he realized that it was Sungyeol that was there.

“What happened? Who did this?” he asked immediately. “I will find them.” And in his head, he added, _and they will be history._

His best friend was not a person who took things personally but Sungyeol was sure that sometimes being attacked one too many times could have the same effect on anyone. He was beginning to clue in on what he had been seeing for the past while as he regarded his friend in front of him who refused to speak and just turned to look away from him.

Annoyed, Sungyeol said, “Fine. I’ll be here. You won’t tell me? Fine. But I’ll figure it out myself.”

And that was how the teacher found them after the warning bell. Sungyeol standing protectively over Myungsoo, trying to comfort him while Myungsoo just sniffled away the last of his tears.

The teacher, not understanding much other than the fact that these two were best friends, affectionately named Dumb and Dumber by the faculty by then. He had sent them together to the infirmary, where Sungyeol spent the rest of the day watching his best friend look out into the school courtyard from where he laid on the school bed, looking lost and distant.

Sungyeol was not the brightest crayon in the box but he was not stupid; he just didn’t see the point in trying hard for school when he knew that he wouldn’t be able to afford the tuition to the more prestigious universities in the area.

So, using the clues he had gathered over the weeks when Myungsoo’s mood had turned sour and finding out that the old basketball team’s captain from three years ago had a younger cousin that had just transferred to their school, Sungyeol put two-and-two together.

Of the two of them, Myungsoo was the quieter one who didn’t like attracting attention to himself. He sometimes lashed out in his anger, although Sungyeol would hate to admit it, his voice lacked authority in asserting whatever he wanted to say sometimes.

He approached the said cousin a week later.

“We need to speak,” Sungyeol said darkly. The shorter boy only gulped and nodded his head, following Sungyeol out of the cafeteria.

And from then on, the basketball team never bothered to bother Myungsoo again.

-

On a distant night that seemed to melt away into his memories, Sungyeol remembered that perhaps there was more to Myungsoo that met the eye. He knew that he tried to hide things from him, but never had he realized that there was something that Myungsoo had tried so desperately to hide from him until then.

“You know,” Sungyeol lazily drawled as they drove down the winding roads that circled around their peaceful, small town. “I’ve just realized something.”

“Yea, what?” Myungsoo asked. He was sitting shotgun with Myung-Myung sitting on his lap. Myung-Myung was enjoying the time of her life, her head slightly poking through the car window, awfully happy with the breeze that was created by the car racing down the road in the quiet night.

“You’ve never told me about any crushes you’ve had.”

Myungsoo scoffed at that, shifting a little in his seat.

“Why would you even be interested in something like that?” he asked, running his fingers through Myung-Myung’s hair. “What could you possibly gain from knowing something like that?”

Sungyeol shrugged, “Well I’m always telling you about those tiny crushes I get on my classmates. I can’t be the only one that’s always sharing my crushes. I need blackmail material, so out with it.”

Myungsoo had laughed at that. “Well, there’s nothing from my end to really talk about. Plus, you talk enough about your crushes for the two of us. And they barely last that long too!”

Sungyeol was indignant at that, “I’ll have you know that people are mysterious and rather charming!” then he remedied it, “well for the most part anyway.”

He always found the tiny quirks that belonged to certain people very endearing. He had never been one to judge people by how they looked so it was difficult for him to find people ugly or unattractive. He had always found that there were usually redeeming qualities to everyone, no matter how unattractive they may appear.

Except for bullies, of course. They were just detestable in his eyes unless they changed.

“There’s been no one,” Myungsoo just softly said, looking over to Sungyeol.

“Oh, come on!”

“There has been no one,” he repeated, this time more firmly.

_Except for you._

Groaning and relenting, realizing that his friend was probably not going to budge at all, Sungyeol decided to change the topic to universities and where they would go next.

Little did either know that perhaps, that was where their paths split.

 


	4. to good-bye.

_And… it’s finally come. I’ve always known that this time would come where we would have to say goodbye, I just wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. I’d known for some time that you would have probably wanted to leave the town at some point in your life because let’s face it, you’ve always sort of mentioned that you feel like you don’t belong. I don’t feel like I belong either because it’s too small and much too constrained. But with all those adventures we had over the years, it just didn’t feel that way for quite some time. But for you, I don’t think much can be done that would help you with feeling like you belong more. I’m powerless. But I care. And I want the best for you._

_I’d had always known that this small town wouldn’t be able to fit your needs. It’s just too conservative and you needed to go somewhere where at least a good majority of people could accept you for who you are. This town is not the place. There had always been those whispers in the locker room, guys jerking around and shoving each other around and calling each other ‘gay’ like it was an insult. It’s not. I don’t think it is. I’m sorry I accidentally stumbled upon that loose floorboard in your room one night when I was staying over. I read the letter that you wrote to yourself. I’m sorry. I intruded, but I couldn’t help my teenage curiosity and I’m glad I knew because I at least knew how difficult it was for you to live here._

  * Kim Myungsoo had never been one to like hellos or goodbyes.



He had always thought that both were loaded words that held so much power to them in just a small string of letters. Hellos were like opening a new book whose spine had yet to be creased, reader unsure of how the story would unfold. Goodbyes were like closing a well-used book, reader unsure of when it would be re-read again, if ever.

As he stood there surveying his almost empty room, all his belonging tucked neatly into the numerous boxes in the hallway, he wondered if this book he was about to close were to be re-read again. Sometimes memories were too painful to revisit because they were too precious to want to leave behind.

He swallowed hard, eyes watering a little as he walked along the perimeter of the room, his fingers gently tracing a path on the now-white wall. It had been a soft blue colour just last week—the change was necessary, not necessarily because it served as a blank canvas for the new homeowners moving in in three days. Rather, it was because there were many illicit markings on the wall from young Myungsoo who thought his canvas was his room walls.

It had been.

But it would no longer be.

He stopped right at the intersection of two walls, eyeing the blank space that occupied where the rough, unsure pen marks used to sit before they were covered by the fresh coat of paint. He chuckled a little, remembering how him and his best friend used to mark their heights every other month on his wall when they were younger, keeping track of their heights and seeing who was winning by being taller or losing by being shorter.

Myungsoo always lost.

He was probably destined to always lose to Sungyeol at this rate.

He still lost to his smiles, his laughter, and his antics. He didn’t think he would ever win.

“What are you doing in the corner, you weirdo?” a familiar voice asked and Myungsoo turned from where he stood, facing the wall. Standing at the doorway of his room was his best friend and partner in crime, Lee Sungyeol. He was leaning against the doorway, lazily looking in with a nonchalant expression. He was unsure if he had been standing there for a while and saw him looking contemplative in the corner as he traced where the markings used to be.

“Just thinking,” Myungsoo said, shrugging away the nostalgic feelings he was dealing with as he blinked away the tears that had been dancing in his peripheral vision. He stepped towards Sungyeol but stopped, the tension in the room thick. At the back of both of their minds, they were thinking of his impending departure and how that would change everything.

The two of them had been a little strange around each other recently, both unsure of how to act, knowing that so little time was left for the two of them to spend together.

Sometimes Myungsoo wished that he hadn’t made the decision to study abroad, but what was the point in stagnation when you didn’t grow? He had always prided himself in growing as a person throughout the years, even though he was still not the most mature person he knew his age.

Myungsoo uncomfortably ran a hand through his hair, trying to keep his voice steady though he sounded like he was failing through his own ears, “What are you doing here?” It didn’t make it easy that the reason why he was feeling such an influx of emotions was standing right in front of him. The one and only reason why he wouldn’t have wanted to leave would be because of the person, his best friend, standing right in front of him looking all nonchalant, even though he was probably feeling just as nostalgic too.

Sungyeol huffed a little at that, almost in a manner that suggested he had been insulted to the nth degree.

“Well I’m your best friend, so duh. And plus, we’re not going to see each other for a long time. Are you complaining that I cut time out of my life just for you?” he asked, his voice monotone and face deadpan, though Myungsoo knew better to think that he was absolutely serious.

A small smile overcame the slight frown Myungsoo was wearing from his thoughts. If there was one thing he could count on Sungyeol for, it was for him to make his mood a little better all the time. Even by just being there.

The tension that was there still lingered but it wasn’t as suffocating as it was initially.

This perhaps was going to be their new normal until he moved away.

Sungyeol was still annoyed that Myungsoo never told him about his acceptance to a foreign university earlier, or the fact that he applied to begin with. Myungsoo had many doubts and doubted that he would have been granted entrance, so he didn’t tell anyone, in fear or being embarrassed when the results came out.

Myungsoo didn’t blame Sungyeol for being annoyed with him. And he also didn’t blame Sungyeol for also keeping a sort of steady distance between the two of them when Myungsoo announced that he would be studying abroad. He was hurt even though he was happy for him, Myungsoo was sure.

Myungsoo had no reason to keep away; at least, not a plausible reason anyway. But he practiced the ritual every day of resisting his urge to contact Sungyeol and replying as soon as he could whenever Sungyeol sometimes reached out.

Myungsoo just had never been good with good-byes, so being around someone that he cherished deeply and had to say good-bye to soon was difficult for him because he wasn’t sure how to act anymore.

He lived in the heart of the town north of Seoul for his whole life and he never strayed far from the general vicinity either. The two had known each other since kindergarten too, never have been separated because they were in the same grade and there was only one elementary, middle, and high school in the town that was reputable and delivered quality education.

They were going to be an ocean apart after this—they were going to drift away from each other, Myungsoo was sure, because of the time zone differences and because life was too busy to always keep up with someone who wasn’t around anymore. So how would drifting away sooner make it any more different than if they were to drift away later?

Myungsoo prided in growing as a person, but it didn’t mean he was the most mature.

Myungsoo was hiding from the dread he felt of moving away from _familiar_ by shying away from the other, but he couldn’t help it.

With the ominous ticking of each second on the clock, he couldn’t help but think that perhaps that what was happening was meant to be. He had begun to slowly distance himself and take longer to respond to messages. He wanted to get to this new normal of not always having Sungyeol.

But nevertheless, sometimes he just wanted to forget that this was the reality he was going to face soon.

“What busy schedule are you talking about?” Myungsoo teased his friend. “Your busy schedule with the ants you collect?”

This was something that he would never let Sungyeol forget. He would never forget that time in middle school when Sungyeol was so obsessed with collecting ants that he managed to make Myungsoo tag along on all his adventures to collect ants from different colonies and transport them to a gigantic glass tank that Sungyeol used all his allowance on after saving for many months.

The tank now laid somewhere in Sungyeol’s attic, collecting dust. Sungyeol wasn’t much for keeping fish or ants as pets.

“Hey!” Sungyeol protested, no longer leaning against the doorway. He looked every bit an agitated Yorkshire Terrier, making Myungsoo fight the grin that was threatening to emerge from the comparison he quickly made in his thoughts, “I’ll have you know that I stopped collecting them once we graduated middle school okay, so stop remind me of my dark past!”

Myungsoo cackled at that, some of the stress he had been feeling from all the hectic goings of the day, released. “Yea, but that doesn’t negate the fact that you actually named one of them Mrs. Two-legs.”

“Why you little!” Sungyeol made a move to begin to chase him and Myungsoo got ready to run when his mother who seemed to materialize out of nowhere interrupted the two, clearing her throat. Both young adults froze mid-pose and turned to see her judging them by the staircase where she stood as she clucked her tongue, “Neither of you are ever going to grow up at that point.”

The two boys grinned at each other at that and Sungyeol cheekily replied, “Well you wouldn’t have it any other way, now would you?”

She sighed as if she were exasperated, but they both knew that she was just pretending that she was just about done with their Tom and Jerry shenanigans. Myungsoo knew for a fact that she preferred this dynamic to them than when they were huddled together plotting something.

The last time she witnessed it, it ended up with her having to drop all her work halfway through the day the following week to visit the school that urgently summoned her. When she arrived, she was shocked to see elf-looking, blue-skinned teens who looked sheepish and ashamed. To this day she still had no idea what they were thinking and were trying to accomplish. She had an inkling and speculated that it was related to the latest anime that they were addicted to at the time.

“Anyway, I came up to let you two know that I’m not making food tonight because I need to quickly run to the office and make sure everything is running smoothly. Order takeout or something. I left money on the kitchen table and I won’t be back until late tonight.”

At that, the two teenagers-almost-adults looked at each other and almost immediately, Ms. Kim was a little worried.

“Please don’t think of anything crazy to do,” was all she said as she got ready for work, leaving the two of them alone.

Long after she had left, the two boys were left in the living room, packing the last of what needed to be packed. They had decided that they were going to help, and she had directed them on how and where to pack the last of the stuff they were going to bring with them for the move.

After dismantling the last of the coffee table, Sungyeol was spent and he made it no secret as he groaned, throwing himself onto the couch that was most likely going to have to be left behind. “My back hurts.”

“You barely did anything,” Myungsoo snorted. “You were more a nuisance than anything.”

Indignant, Sungyeol was ready to fight before he flopped back down onto the couch, deciding that he was too tired to do that.

“Anyway, your mom left money for us to eat. I think that’s a signal for one thing,” Sungyeol announced. “A midnight drive!”

Myungsoo could only do nothing as he was dragged out of his house, money tucked into his wallet as he locked the door behind them.

“But first,” Sungyeol grinned maniacally, “My Myung-Myung cannot be deprived of this adventure!”

And that was how Myungsoo found himself in shotgun as Sungyeol cranked the radio up to the loudest volume that was comfortable for his dog. The said Myung-Myung was riding in the back, strapped in with her own dog seatbelt too, and dressed appropriately for the chilly night.

“Hey, we used to love this song when we were in middle school!” Sungyeol excitedly said as the next song came on, almost jumping up and down in his seat. He shook the car slightly.

“Watch it!” Myungsoo exclaimed, looking every bit concerned for his safety and life. But then a smile graced his face, as he felt nostalgic memories resurface at the sound of the familiar tune that he didn’t know that he had missed.

They drove past their middle school as the chorus began to play and at that, Myungsoo laughed a little, tears swarming his vision a little. He was determined not to cry, however.

This was what he didn’t want to leave behind when he left. To leave behind him the memories _with_ him was not something he wanted to do—but he never wanted to come back to this small town in the middle of nowhere.

“I remember we used to climb that tree at the back of the school all of the time even though we got into trouble every single time,” Myungsoo commented as their middle school disappeared from their sight. He noticed that the tree was no longer there, perhaps cut down or knocked down by the rains of the monsoon season that always hit their town rather hard.

“Well, I remember that we made it our mission to annoy the hell out of the teacher that was always on duty which was why we decided on climbing the tree whenever we could. He used to be our first-year middle school homeroom teacher and he found us so annoying. I remember he used to take off marks from our essays for no reason. His name was Mr. Kim, wasn’t it?”

“I’m pretty sure he hated us and would banish us to the depths of Hell if he could.”

“Luckily, he can’t,” Sungyeol snorted at that. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s secretly the devil’s incarnation or something.”

At that, the two of them chortled, Myungsoo gasping through his laughter, “Can you imagine that guy with horns on his head?”

“I actually can,” Sungyeol managed to say through his laughter. He had to pull over because he was laughing too hard.

“He’d actually bust a vein in his brain if he heard us talking about him like this,” Myungsoo admitted to Sungyeol, who just laughed in response as he pulled away from the curb, continuing to drive aimlessly as he always did.

The radio continued to play the nostalgic song that made them think of their old memories in middle school.

Myungsoo spoke again, feeling rather talkative as they made their way down the winding road that led towards their high school, “Remember back in middle school when you used to be bullied all of the time?”

Sungyeol was a little indignant at that, “Well, it wasn’t my fault that I accidentally kicked someone in the face during soccer and it happened to be the most popular boy in our grade.”

Much had changed since then. Myungsoo had gotten a lot less bold and a lot more timid.

“A lot has changed since then,” Sungyeol commented after a moment of silence in the car. He glanced over to his best friend in shotgun who had his dog still perched enthusiastically on his lap, making quite a hilarious sight.

Then the song ended, its tune drifting off into the night until it was no longer audible.

“What is this song even called, anyway?” Myungsoo asked, rather oblivious to Sungyeol’s stare as he went back to focusing on the road.

“Who knows?” Sungyeol shrugged, “I think if we Googled the lyrics it would definitely come up.” But then he added, “Then what’s the magic of that?”

Myungsoo agreed to that.

When the next song came up, Myungsoo almost jumped out of his seat. “Oh my goodness, I love this song!”

This startled both the dog and the driver.

“And everyone calls me the monkey,” Sungyeol sighed in mock exasperation.

“Whatever,” Myungsoo said, beginning to sing along. Myung-Myung must have thought that was the okay for her to sing too, because she began to howl along.

Sungyeol could only groan, wondering how many people they would wake up in town, while secretly not minding at all and deciding which fast food joint they were going to stop by to pick up their late dinner.

If only everything didn’t have to change.

-

Kim Myungsoo almost regretted his decision to leave the day of. But he realized that it was for the best. He needed distance from his best friend, even though going through university with his best friend was something that he craved.

In the hectic days leading to the final step to leaving everything behind, he almost forgot to dig up the loose floorboard in his room to take the letter he had written a long time ago.

Deciding that it was probably something that he never wanted anyone to see, he hastily dug up the floorboard, grabbing the rather tearstained and crumpled piece of paper that lay underneath it, and covered the loose flooring again.

Unfolding it, he read the brief note that he had written himself in his teenage years, almost immediately after he had started seeing a psychologist after he realized that he was gay.

_Dear Kim Myungsoo,_

_I hope that you always remember that you are loved and cherished by your mother. You have a wonderful best friend by the name of Lee Sungyeol._

_No matter what you have or what you identify as, you are Kim Myungsoo. You are solely him and nothing that you have or identify as defines you as a person, or what you will do or say._

_Kim Myungsoo, you are also an idiot for not telling Lee Sungyeol that you’re gay. What are you afraid of? He doesn’t hate anyone or anything—other than bullies of course._

_Kim Myungsoo—I love you. They love you._

_Don’t give up._

He had always dug up that note under the floorboards whenever he was having a particularly rough time and it had always helped. He didn’t exactly need the note anymore, however.

He was determined to leave the past behind. Abroad in Canada, he heard, it was a little better. In Toronto, in particular. He had heard this from his mentor who was part of the LGBTQ+ community who had told him while there were little microaggressions here and there in the university to their knowledge, it was at least a bit better than the outright homophobia that Myungsoo faced.

That was enough for Myungsoo to know and look forward to his new start in Canada.

“Grabbed everything?”

Interrupted from his thoughts, he looked to the doorway where Sungyeol stood once again, similarly to how he had the other day when he had dropped by unexpectedly. Myungsoo quickly folded the piece of paper up once again and placed it into his jean pocket.

Since the day they had gone on their midnight drive, they had went back to being normal teenage boys who were best friends.

Myungsoo realized that he was being too childish for his own good, and that time really was running out.

And here they were.

“Do you think you’ll be able to videocall at least once a week when you land in Canada?” Sungyeol asked, his face every bit serious as if he finally realized the gravity of the situation. Seriousness suited Sungyeol, albeit it being a little weird.

Myungsoo smiled a little at that, “Well, look at who’s clingy now.”

Sungyeol didn’t say anything but grinned a little at that. Then he managed to say, “You brat.”

He was particularly worried that he would no longer be there for the good days and bad days. Particularly the bad days, because Sungyeol didn’t want Myungsoo to go through them alone. Knowing how secretive Myungsoo was and not wanting to bother his mother for anything, he was sure that Myungsoo would be secretive if he had a hard time adjusting.

Besides, he was most worried that perhaps Myungsoo would need to access mental health services during the very tumultuous time in his life with getting settled in a foreign country and that those services weren’t available to him in Korean, the language he was most comfortable to speak in.

But little did Sungyeol know that he was worrying far too much.

Myungsoo had stopped seeing the psychologist a few months prior, the psychologist had told him that he perhaps didn’t need anymore counselling. He had come to terms with himself and he was closing the chapter of his life with the hurt childhood and teenage years he endured in the small town. Myungsoo had already come to terms that there was no changing what had happened or how they affected him but he could only look forward from then on.

As if noticing his friend’s worried gaze, Myungsoo just said, “Don’t worry. I will be okay. I’ll message you if anything comes up and if I need someone to talk to. I promise.”

But Sungyeol was afraid. Because if Myungsoo wouldn’t even tell him anything when they were right in close proximity to each other, then how could he expect Myungsoo to tell him things when they were half a world away?

Sungyeol did not speak, however, and opted to just silently nod his head.

“Are you ready to leave then?”

Myungsoo nodded his head.

Together, the two made their way down the stairs and to the doorway of the house, where Ms. Kim was waiting for the two of them.

“Alright, let’s go,” she cheerfully said, closing the door behind them as they stepped out into the bright sun.

With the turn of her key signalled the end of Myungsoo’s chapter in the small town.

-

The drive to the airport proved to be a rather quiet affair in the rental van.

Sungyeol didn’t speak and neither did Myungsoo, although they exchanged glances occasionally. In between them sat Myung-Myung, who seemed oblivious what was going on around her.

When they finally arrived at the airport, Sungyeol helped Myungsoo and his mother with unloading the rental van onto the carts that were available to push all their belongings.

They had really packed their whole life. Between the two of them, they were able to fill three of those carts with eight pieces of luggage.

Unfortunately, parking fee at the airport was astronomical, so Mr. Lee decided that he was going to circle around the area for a bit before returning to pick up Mrs. Lee and Sungyeol. Myung-Myung sat in the back of the van, looking confused as to why everyone looked so sad.

Myungsoo had given her one last pet and kissed her at the centre of her forehead, before handing her a surprise gift. At that, her tail wagged excited as she grappled at it with her teeth and bounded to the back seats of the van.

Everyone had chuckled at that.

Myungsoo and his mother bid Mr. Lee good-bye. The usually stoic Mr. Lee had a slight glimmer in his eye as he also bid them good-bye and a safe journey. Then he pulled from the curb and there was just a party of four left.

The four of them slowly made their way to the baggage unloading area and when they finally arrived at the front of the line, their mothers had enough of their silence and shooed them away to a nearby corner to have their last words with each other.

Both teens complied, although neither party was sure what to say.

“So,” Sungyeol finally said, realizing that Myungsoo had never been good with words and he was probably having difficulties with figuring out what he wanted to say. That was okay, because Sungyeol was used to talking more in the duo. “Canada, huh?” his voice cracked a little at that, making him wince and Myungsoo chuckle a little at his misfortune.

Sungyeol decided to ignore the little shit and continued. “You better call me once in a while to tell me how you’re doing, or else I’ll haunt you.”

“I’ll think about it,” Myungsoo had said rather drily, although it was clear he was joking by the twinkle in his eyes. “I might write snail-mail once in a while.”

“I won’t be replying,” Sungyeol laughed a little at that. Myungsoo grinned, knowing that it just wasn’t his friend’s personality to even divulge in snail-mail. He could probably just expect an email back.

Behind them, Myungsoo saw that their mothers were just about done with the baggage loading and Sungyeol noticed too.

“So, I guess this is it,” Sungyeol finally said, unable to hold in the first of his tears. “I’m going to miss you.”

He was going to miss the _them_ —the two of them—best friends since kindergarten who have never been apart. He was going to miss the smiles they shared with each other, the jokes they made at the expense of each other, the late night calls where they talked all night long about their worries for their future, the days they spent in the fields when Sungyeol wanted to go cloud-watching, the midnight drives where they wandered aimlessly, and the greasy finger foods they used to eat together all the time.

He was going to miss this close proximity they had—when was the next time they’d see each other? Neither of them came from well off backgrounds. The time zone difference was substantial enough that it’d be easy to miss each other.

It was then it hit Sungyeol that perhaps this was the last time they were going to see each other in a _very_ long time.

Myungsoo must have came to that same conclusion too, because he looked like he was so close to being unable to speak, but he managed to choke out his next words anyway.

“Me too,” Myungsoo agreed, wiping away his tears before they could even fall. “But I guess that’s just life. I don’t want to stay in that small town any longer, even if that means leaving you behind.”

Sungyeol let the words sink in, acknowledging the finality in his best friend’s voice and the strong conviction. He found himself speaking, although it was hard for him to.

He’d never had anyone else that had quite touched his life like Myungsoo did. Myungsoo was Myungsoo, with his good and bad days—and he was irreplaceable.

“Don’t worry about that,” Sungyeol chuckled, hastily wiping away his tears before their mothers approached, “I know how you feel about the small town. I feel the same way about it, but probably not the extent that you do.”

Then in a rather rigid and weird motion, Sungyeol shoved an envelope towards Myungsoo. “Here.”

It had all his feelings, his thoughts, and what he had wanted to say but didn’t know when or where to say them.

“What’s this?” Myungsoo asked, puzzled by the appearance of an envelope. He almost choked on a half-laugh and half-sob, “Is this the friendship termination fee?”

At that, the two teens—no, they were young adults now—burst out laughing at the ridiculous idea that he had proposed.

“I’m going to miss this too,” Sungyeol managed to say, indicating with his hands at everything around them, unable to put it into eloquent words. He never quite had a good way to describe what exactly they were. They were definitely friends, but maybe a little more—they were life companions—there was no way either of them could completely walk away from what they shared without feeling a great loss. However, in the end—did it really matter _what_ they were?

They were just Sungyeol and Myungsoo, thicker than thieves, and they loved each other. In their lives so far, they’d never quite loved anyone else, aside from their parents, as much as each other.

Myungsoo could only agree once more to Sungyeol’s statement, nodding his head. He made to open the envelope but Sungyeol stopped him, looking very panicked, “No, open it when you guys take-off.”

Obliging, Myungsoo placed the letter into his jean pocket, trying his best to not jam it in without care—he didn’t want it to be too wrinkled. He was going to treasure this letter.

Thinking that the two had enough time alone then, their mothers approached, both looking solemn. Ms. Kim had their carry-on bags, in which Myungsoo quickly grabbed his own.

“So, are you guys ready?” Mrs. Lee asked, reaching over to place a hand over the small of her son’s back. The two young adults gave each other a small glance and nodded.

With that, the small party headed towards the security checkpoint.

“Have a safe journey,” was all Sungyeol managed to say to Myungsoo while their mothers said good-bye to each other. They gave each other a hug, perhaps the first in many years, since Sungyeol had never been one for skin-ship compared to Myungsoo.

And finally, their mothers bid farewell to their son’s best friend.

“Thank you so much for everything Sungyeol,” Ms. Kim said as she hugged him, squeezing his shoulders a little as she let go, “I just don’t know how Myungsoo would have survived all of these years without you.”

“It’s the same for me,” Sungyeol admitted a little tearfully. “I just hope he’s happy with his choice and he does well in Canada.”

She was unsure of what to say so she nodded her head, squeezing his shoulder lightly in affection before stepping away from him. They watched as Mrs. Lee bid her almost-second-son good-bye with some tears in her eyes.

The good-byes have all been said.

And that, unfortunately, was the last time they saw each other for a _very_ long time.

-

Nineteen-year-old Lee Sungyeol knew that Myungsoo had good days and bad days. Myungsoo typically had good days in their last year of high school, but because of post-secondary school applications that magnified his stress, he fell back into his bad habits for a brief period of time. He stopped eating regularly and couldn’t sleep at night. Sometimes he told Sungyeol, but most times he didn’t, not wanting to be a burden.

It had been difficult to deal with Myungsoo when he had extended periods of bad days because he was always so irritable and didn’t want to do anything but sleep, stay at home, and maybe binge on junk food some days. And it had really hurt then—to know that he was unable to do anything for him other than be there for him, silent and watching it unfold, feeling helpless.

Sungyeol could only look back and wonder if he could have helped anymore than he did. He never was good with his words, nor was he adept at picking up social cues. He does remember one day in particular though, when Myungsoo had come to sleepover (a change in the last year of high school, for they never had sleepovers before that), after getting into a fight with his mom about something. He had cried when the lights were off, and he had thought Sungyeol was asleep.

He had sat up and turned on the lamp by his bedside table. Light streamed in gentle waves from the lamp and flooded the room. The room was no longer dark.

He had made Myungsoo face him by gently turning his head, holding onto his chin by his index finger and thumb to do so; he had been facing the wall so that he wouldn’t be facing Sungyeol. His heart had ached at the sight of his best friend, red eyes and runny nose. And he looked ashamed as he tried to smother his cries, unable to meet his eyes.

Sungyeol never thought Myungsoo ever had to be ashamed for anything; he had a difficult life and still was able to treat everyone kindly. Myungsoo should have been proud of himself. It was okay to have good days and bad days.

He had leaned in towards his friend who was still laying down, left hand supporting his position. Myungsoo watched him quietly as more tears cascaded down his cheeks. Sungyeol had wiped away his tears without a word; wiped them away each time new ones emerged, until they finally ceded. It was then that he left his thumb pressed gently against his cheek, drawing idle circles. It wasn’t until the hammering of Myungsoo’s heart had stopped that he decided it was okay to turn off the lights again.

He didn’t ask, and he didn’t ponder—he had known that Myungsoo would eventually tell him with time what had been bothering him. It was not then, and it had hurt—but it was okay.

Sungyeol had withdrawn his thumb, clicked the lamp off to cease the warm filter of light, and settled down in the bed once more.

Then, he had taken his best friend by his hand and held his hand for the rest of the night, even as they fell asleep and drifted off into dreamland.

_You are not alone._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more update left after this, and then it will be time for us to part ways with this story. Thank you so much for the support. <3


	5. to endings | to beginnings.

_I hope you know that goodbyes don’t always mean goodbye forever. And that perhaps it means that hellos will be destined to happen and that a new adventure begins. Please carry yourself proudly wherever you go. Know that you can always find a friend in me and that I will be here, no matter how much time has elapsed. Please love yourself a little more. Show the world that love ultimately wins. Because it will._

_Sincerely,_

_Lee Sungyeol_

_P.S. I hope you like the gift. It was our favourite book in kindergarten._

  * Kim Myungsoo still found a friend in Sungyeol, even though many years had passed, and they had gone their separate ways in life.



Sungyeol chuckled a little after opening the email during his lunch break that he received from Myungsoo. Greeting him was a picture of Myungsoo and his fiancé. In bold underneath, was an e-invite to a wedding, Myungsoo’s to be precise.

They had really gone their separate ways in the long run, but it was enough for Sungyeol to know that he was doing fine once in a while from the occasional email that they sent to each other to catch up—and that he was invited to his wedding.

Life had been too hectic for the two of them to keep in contact as often as they liked, and it resulted in their distant but close relationship. It was something that Sungyeol treasured.

It was something that Sungyeol revelled in the knowledge of, but the distance had also made Myungsoo a lot more talkative and open about his experiences. He talked about the hardships he faced in high school, the ones he was facing in university at the time, and the worries that he had.

This was something the Myungsoo in high school never would have divulged to him.

And then they drifted apart in the years that followed afterwards, all bridges with better foundations built and still accessible, but rarely used.

“Dr. Lee, your next patient is here to see you. He’s new and a little bit nervous. He’s the one that a social worker referred to us more recently,” his secretary announced to him.

“Thanks, Byungho,” Sungyeol nodded at his secretary. “Please send him in.” The door closed behind his secretary and Sungyeol took the chance to look out at the view from his office window, marvelling at just how different his life was now, almost fifteen years after high school.

He no longer lived in that dreaded small town, leaving it behind. He didn’t leave his parents behind—they’d moved with him.

The little plot of land that he could see from his office window that used to sit empty for the past five years was being built on right now. In another five years, he was sure that it would be teeming with people, as it was going to be a shopping mall after construction was complete.

Sungyeol had changed too. During university he realized that while it was important to have fun in life and relax, he also needed to work hard to get where he wanted to be. He had been lost throughout the first two years of his undergraduate, unsure of where he wanted to go afterwards.

But finally, he realized that perhaps he wanted to do something related to social work and the likes. After some pushing from his parents, Sungyeol decided that maybe becoming a psychologist was something he would like. He got to help people and talk them through the issues they had in their everyday lives.

Since then, he had not regretted a decision.

He took two extra years compared to others in his cohort to finish his undergraduate degree but it was all worth it.

A few minutes later, the door to his office tentatively opened, revealing a rather squeamish looking teenager that didn’t seem to be sleeping well and was carrying a massive chip on his shoulders.

Sungyeol stood up, greeting the teenager and indicating that he should have a seat. He then moved towards the door, given that the teenager had forgotten to close it upon his entrance. The boy shifted a little in his seat as Sungyeol returned to his chair at the desk.

“I typically don’t have my appointments with the two of us sitting across from each other, but I wanted the first conversation we have to be a little bit more formal, so we can set goals and sort of have a feel for what you need.”

The teenager nodded at this.

He continued, “Of course, I think it may have been mentioned to you and you might have done your own research already, but if either of us think that we are not communicating well, it’s in your best interest that we think of looking for alternatives for you so that your needs are being met. It’s important that both the therapist and patient form a sort of bond and understanding, so that the patients’ needs are met.”

The teenager once again nodded his head to that.

“So,” Sungyeol finally said, realizing that the teen probably had no questions. “Tell me a little about yourself.”

“I don’t want to waste my time. I want to get better,” the patient immediately said. He crossed his arms, looking a little out of place in Sungyeol’s office. He hastily added, “I’m Hyungmin.”

And then he continued his spiel, “I just want everything to be as close to okay as it can be. I don’t think what I feel,” he did a little wave, “will ever go away. But I want it to be bearable.”

Sungyeol straightened a little, this patient piquing his interest. The patients who came in determined to change always made him amazed with their ability to persevere.

Some patients came in like the stereotypical psychologist patient that Hollywood painted, that refused to say anything. Some burst into tears the second they spoke.

All reactions to him were valid, but it was always those who were determined that reminded him much of how Myungsoo was, once he had gotten help. He had seen his best friend struggle in and out through his bouts of depression.

Good days and bad days.

He garnered that today was probably a good day for Hyungmin, regardless of whatever was bothering him.

“Everything I say is confidential right?”

“Yes, of course. Unless they fall under any of the jurisdictions, I have outlined in the contract that you read while waiting to come in. I have the duty to warn if there were any of the conditions I mentioned. Again, if I hear about any sort of abuse inflicted on children or any persons, I have the duty to warn. If I think you may be at risk of hurting yourself or others, I also have the duty to warn.”

There was a heavy pause after that, Hyungmin’s eyes showing that he was satisfied with what he had heard. Then:

“I… am not heterosexual.”

Sungyeol could only soften his eyes a little at that, though continued to remain professional in the way he held himself.

“My parents only agreed to letting me see you because they think I’m stressed from schoolwork,” the boy admitted, then he stood up from his seat across the table from Sungyeol. He began to pace, obviously stressed and wracked with worry. He then stopped, looking to Sungyeol, “You really won’t tell my parents, right?”

Sungyeol nodded his head quietly in affirmative, “Everything will be between you and me.”

With that, the teenager relaxed and plopped down back onto the seat he was offered. It looked like he was still shaken but he was ready to speak as much as the next two hours would allow him.

Sungyeol took that as a cue to pour out a glass of water for the teenager before him.

“Where should I begin?”

-

First loves were a funny thing, Myungsoo could only muse after he received an email notification from his phone that Sungyeol had indicated that he was going to be attending his wedding.

First loves never quite leave your memories, yet sometimes they failed to have a profound impact on your life, regardless of how important it had been to you when you were experiencing it at the time.

Sungyeol, although being his first love, would never have quite the same importance in Myungsoo’s heart as his place in his life as his best friend.

Even though Myungsoo had not seen Sungyeol in many years since he had last visited Canada, he didn’t quite get the same sort of excitement now knowing that he was going to see Sungyeol again soon compared to when Sungyeol announced he was visiting him six years ago.

The last time Sungyeol had visited, they had done some of the things they used to do in their good olden days. They had gone to the nearby park near his apartment and tried to climb one of the trees, only to fail very miserably. They had gone on a midnight drive, this time with Myungsoo as the driver and the journey was a lot more organized than it had been when they were high school students. They had dinner together with Ms. Kim, who had scolded the two of them for eating like starved teenage boys, which they could only grin in response to.

Having been away from each other for so long, of course, had caused some awkward silences to occur here and there as they looked for topics to talk about that they could both mutually relate to.

At that point in his life, Jaehyun, his fiancé had not been around yet.

One might wonder if he still loved Sungyeol in his own way that was not akin to friendship.

Of course, it was difficult to discern the difference between excitement of seeing an old friend again or seeing a first love again.

But Myungsoo loved Sungyeol now only as a friend, though there were times he thought back to those days in high school when he had first realized and loved Sungyeol as more than friends.

It always made his heart ache in a good, wistful way when he thought back to that point in his life. And now, many years down the line, he was beginning to forget many of those memories that he associated with loving Sungyeol then and he could only take that as a good sign, for holding onto a first love for the rest of his life was not something he wanted to do.

With Myung-Myung’s death a few years ago when she had reached prime time came the realization that life just kept on moving forward, regardless of what they wanted. And with the only connection between the two of them gone, it was more difficult to keep conversations going sometimes.

Again, Myungsoo acknowledged that that was just life as it was; raw, unyielding, and forward-looking.

“Myungsoo?”

At that, he was startled to see his fiancé at the doorway of their bedroom. “It’s time for you to get ready and have breakfast.”

Out of the two of them, Jaehyun was the morning person and he was also the one who always managed to wake up by the sound of the alarm. No matter how many alarms Myungsoo set and how loud they were, he would never be able to wake up unless he felt like he slept enough. Of course, it was easier to wake up when someone woke him up too.

“Morning,” Myungsoo had the gall to blush a little. He grimaced, “Sorry I know I was supposed to make breakfast today, but I couldn’t wake up.”

Jaehyun just shrugged, “It’s not like you do this often and I don’t mind. You came home really late last night.”

Myungsoo smiled a little at that and he got up, stretching. He lumbered over to his fiancé, dropping a quick kiss on his cheek.

“Ugh, morning breath,” Jaehyun could only mumble in fake disgust as he grinned in response, heading towards their bathroom to brush his teeth.

Life was different compared to fifteen years ago.

He was in a different country, he was going to be marrying the love of his life, and he was far from Sungyeol.

But Myungsoo wouldn’t have it any other way.

-

Immediately after work, Sungyeol received a call from a familiar number that lit up on his screen, along with the display name. He didn’t waste a second and picked up the call, grinning a little.

“Hey,” Sungyeol greeted the person on the other line.

“Hey yourself,” the familiar voice greeted, obviously a smile on his face too. “I take it that you saw my invitation? You clicked attend, and I expect you to be here, no less.”

“Of course,” Sungyeol chuckled, “I definitely will be.”

“No excuses. I won’t take anything, even if you say you have ants to tend to.”

He rolled his eyes at that, “Can you just let it go already?”

“No,” he chuckled, “I won’t let you live it down.”

There was a silent pause, the two of them revelling in the fact that they were talking on the phone after such a long time. It was like taking in a breath of fresh air on a cold, autumn morning, Sungyeol mused. Calling overseas was quite expensive, to be quite honest, and neither of them really had time in their hectic lives to call often anyway.

“So, what’s this call about anyway?”

“Must you always think there’s an ulterior motive?”

Truthfully, it was usually Sungyeol with ulterior motives, if they had to be honest with one another.

Sungyeol grinned a little at that, “Okay, but really, what do you want?”

He took a quick glance at his watch. “Ji is expecting to see me in ten minutes and you know how she is when I’m late.”

“You’re always late,” Myungsoo replied, sounding slightly exasperated. Sungyeol could bet that he was rolling his eyes on the other end. Of course, he was always rather blunt yet honest.

They were still Tom and Jerry after all these years, he mused.

Cutting to the chase, hearing the slight urgency in his voice, Myungsoo said, “Well, I’m just calling to let you know that you’re the best man.”

“Really?” Sungyeol asked, a little surprised. Myungsoo had a friend that Sungyeol (not that he would admit it) was quite jealous of that he’d met when he studied in Canada, and he was also the one that had introduced Myungsoo to Jaehyun, his fiancé.

“Who else would it be?” the voice on the other end scoffed. “You’ve been here my whole life and even though we barely catch up it doesn’t mean we’re not friends, you know.”

Sungyeol’s eyes moistened a little at that. Not that he would admit it to Myungsoo, at least. But he was sure Myungsoo knew anyway.

“I would be proud and delighted to. Do you need any help with the wedding arrangements?” There wasn’t the usual jab Sungyeol had whenever he wanted to tease Myungsoo.

“Not really,” Myungsoo conceded on the other end after a long pause. “Just make sure you bring yourself and Jihyun; that’s all I really ask for. I know you’re super busy with your own clinic and all, so I really think it’s all good from this end.”

“Done deal,” Sungyeol confirmed, scribbling it down onto his notepad as a reminder. Myungsoo was important but sometimes real life had a way of making him forget about important occasions. He had even almost forgot about his anniversary with his girlfriend the other month. “But don’t hesitate to reach out and let me know if you need help with any of the planning, or just someone to vent to if you’re stressed.”

“I will.”

There was a small pause, only the sound of air could be heard from either end.

“Well, I guess that’s it,” Myungsoo awkwardly said on the other end. Sungyeol laughed a little inside. This guy still wasn’t good with small talk, even after bursting through his little uncomfortable shell of an introvert he was. Myungsoo was an ambivert that socialized when he absolutely had to but grasped at his times alone whenever he could (but he still sucked at small talk).

“Message me if anything,” Sungyeol reminded him.

“Yea, yea.”

And the call disconnected.

“And I thought you were running late with appointments,” his girlfriend’s voice said as the door creaked open a little wider and Sungyeol just had to wonder how in the hell she opened the door slightly without him hearing it. She poked her head in through the crack between the doorway and the door, shaking her head in mock dismay. “And I am greeted with you doing some bromance thing with your childhood best friend.”

Sungyeol just grinned at that. “Well, I’m guilty as charged.”

“Ready for dinner?” she asked, swinging the door to his office wide open. He gave a small nod.

Together, they began heading out of his office. She stopped. “Oh, I received the invitation to Myungsoo’s wedding by the way and obviously I’m going, regardless of what happens in like the next while before the wedding takes place.”

They were going through a rough patch in their relationship recently, because his parents wanted her to stay at home for at least a couple of years after they got married and had children. Sungyeol thought it was utter nonsense because Jihyun should be doing whatever the hell she wanted, which was not staying at home as a housewife. She wasn’t even sure if she wanted children, which Sungyeol was okay with too. He didn’t really mind and wanted her to make the choice.

Jihyun was stressed though, because she had always wanted a good relationship with her in-laws. Sungyeol, however, just wanted her to do what made her happy. Even if it meant leaving him.

Jihyun had mentioned that she wasn’t sure where she stood anymore with him because of what was going. It wasn’t because of him. It was because of the immense pressure his parents were putting on her. Sungyeol, however, believes that his parents will get over it eventually, because their resolve was beginning to weaken.

The small box in his pant pocket weighed heavily on his mind as he discretely double checked that it was still there.

Sungyeol just gave a small, knowing smile at that. “You know, my parents aren’t as adamant as they used to be, say a week ago.”

Jihyun laughed a little at that, her eyes twinkling. “I bet you’ve been annoying them.”

“Of course,” he agreed. “Give me a few more weeks and this will be over.” He took her by the hand and kissed the skin of knuckles gently.

“You’re the light of my life. I’d fight for you any day. I’d fight for us.” And with that, hand in hand, they stepped out into the outdoors, locking the door to his office behind them.

The sky was painted with hues of orange, blue and purple.

Life, Sungyeol would say, is bittersweet.

But very much beautiful and worth living.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for sticking around with me as I slowly updated this story.
> 
> I know that this might not have been the ending that anyone would have wanted (and trust me, as the author of this, it pained me too), but it was the most realistic one I thought of and therefore, it was the one I decided on. I've known many acquaintances who have told me (and they identify with the LGBTQ+ community) that their first loves were unrequited because the person they loved was not part of the community and couldn't possibly return the feelings in any way.
> 
> Furthermore, I wrote this thinking about my childhood and just how fast it had flown by. I kind of also wanted readers to be brought back to their past and think about their first friends, regardless if they developed romantic feelings or not towards them. I'm sure that we can all relate to and agree that our first best friends will always hold a very special place in our hearts. I'm no longer close to my first best friend in the way we used to be, but I'm willing to drop almost everything in my life to talk to her should she ever need me. I also reach out occasionally to those that I miss because we barely see each other anymore (hectic life of young adults, really). I urge all of you to contact people that were in your past, were important to you, and would be okay with re-connecting.
> 
> Thanks so, so much for bearing with me. Please let me know what you thought of this story. I hope to see you guys around! Thank you, thank you, thank you.


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